Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard — Test & Review

Aaron Losey   Aaron Losey
May 31, 2023

Aaron Losey

Aaron Losey
: 28
: Intermediate
: Male
: Bisexual

  • like tentacles
  • like feeling unique textures
  • want a toy with a steep increase in intensity as you take more of it
  • prefer toys that are easy to maintain

  • have any sort of mobility issues without a partner to help you
  • don't feel the need for monster-based toys
  • are not used to wider insertions! Because of the way it's designed, it could be painful if you underestimate the toy before you reach the "ports"! This is not intended to be your first dildo!

Vallguard is a delightful tentacle that curves up from the base of the toy. It has two immediately noticeable key features: the groove and the barnacles. In the middle of the tentacle is a deep groove running the length of the toy. On either side are three barnacle-like protrusions (The manufacturer, Xenocat, calls them "ports") with the function of being a "knot" for the tentacle dildo. The whole toy has a slightly ribbed or segmented texture to it. The design is novel, still cohesive, and tantalizingly eldritch-looking. There is that sense that this is the protrusion of some creature no mortal can understand.

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I was skeptical at first. I bought Vallguard along with another product from Xenocat as an afterthought. I wasn’t sure if the experience would be all that distinct from the first, even bigger tentacle-shaped sex toy that I already had. Did I really need another? Yes, yes I did.

The Ports

This is the best feature of the toy, and what makes it really stand out from the handful of tentacle themed toys one might be able to find. The sensation is very unique, and I find that the ratio of the width of the knot compared to the taper of the rest of the toy is perfect for driving that moment of anticipation. It doesn’t quite function like a buttplug- the toy doesn’t stay in by itself, but it’s close. I think anyone considering this toy should understand how much of a difference these make.

Other Pros

The segmented texture works really well. Xenocat Artifacts has a really good mix for their silicone, and it’s very easy to maintain. As with tentacles in general, the tapered tip makes it easy to insert, and gives you a degree of control over how much width you can take.

My Cons

The groove running up the tentacle was a little disappointing. At least for my uses, the groove doesn’t add much. It looks nice, but it’s not something I was able to feel back there at all. I also think the toy could stand to be a bit longer, but it might be the right length for some. I was already used to a longer toy when I got it, but it’s not particularly that short itself.

Does it still stack up?

A lot of the value of this toy rides on the novelty and uniqueness of it, so I’m very glad to report that even after a year, the toy hasn’t grown old. I may not use it as often as I used to, but I’ve found that it works great when starting a session with multiple toys. It’s very easy right up until the section with the ports, which you can use to make the jump to bigger things any moment you feel ready. This makes it a great facilitator for more daunting toys.

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The design should work for most tentacle-lovers. It looks alien or lovecraftian, and really pulls my monster-craving heart. Despite some of the minor flaws I mentioned above, it's still a small visual masterpiece. The toy is way more intricately detailed than it needed to be for the purely physical aspects of its function, but it goes a long way to get any monster-lover in the mood beforehand.

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It's very simple and easy to use. The rough texture does add a little grip, as well as the base of the toy being a great size to hold in your hand. The only thing that might difficult is dealing with the ports feature if you don't have a lot of experience. It does require more force as the toy gets wider, so I highly recommend against this being someone's first toy. You should have an idea of how to use dildos without hurting yourself beforehand. As long as you already have an idea of what your body can take, there should be no issue.

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For as long as I've used and loved this product, it shows no signs of degradation or wear. There is no odor, no discoloration, and no loss of integrity. It feels high-quality. Any way you bend or squish it, it springs right back into shape. From what I've experience from their manufacturer, Xenocat Artifacts, this is a brand I've come to trust.

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If any readers are unfamiliar with niche fantasy toys, it's probably surprising to see a 75$ price tag on a dildo, but this kind of price point is standard, even cheap for the quality presented. For me, paying a higher price for toys that cater to my specific fetishes is easily worth it, but whether or not it will be for you depends on how important it is for you. I wish I could recommend that everyone who hears the call should violate their hole(s) with the highest quality monstrous appendages, but it is a luxury. Do note that 75$ is for their medium size. They do have a larger size for 85$, and a smaller size for 65$. Most of the time this toy is available, it's for the medium size, and this is the size I used for this review.

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The performance is great. If you want the feeling of a tentacle, Vallguard delivers. The ports feature hyped up on the store's page work better than expected. It does claim you can use the groove to "carry lube". I assume you're meant to pour lube down the groove during use. I found it madly impractical to try to use it this way, but it might work a lot better for different body parts. I'm hesitant to pass judgement on this particular feature based on just my experience.

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The packaging is fine. There's nothing too remarkable, either bad or good, about the packaging. When I ordered from Xenocat, they did also send me instructions for care, as well as two material samples stamped with their logo, which is appreciated. There wasn't any point in keeping the packaging itself, but everything arrived sealed.

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Xenocat toys are made from body-safe, non-porous silicone. On their site, they recommend boiling, toy cleaner, or even using the dishwasher as cleaning methods. It's a little buried in the "toy cleaner" section but they do say you can use regular soap, and in my opinion, this is the easiest way to maintain silicone toys. Make sure you use liquid soap without any beads or added scents, lather it on to the toy, and rinse thoroughly under hot water until you can't feel any soap residue. I recommend doing this before and after use. As with any silicone toy, make sure to use water-based lube.

Length7, 7.5, or 8.25 inches
Insertable length5.5, 6, or 6,5 inches
Diameter2, 2.2, or 2.4 inches
Storage Bag IncludedNo
Colors Availabledepends on availability

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  • visually stunning
  • quality material
  • fun texture
  • ports act as a "knot"
  • is a tentacle

  • could be risky for beginners
  • "groove" doesn't do much for butts
  • constant whispers of a city beneath the waves where a dead god dreams might disturb others you live with
  • could be out of budget
  • limited availability

If you are the kind of person that would consider getting this toy, you should get it. I was so surprised by just how much I enjoy this toy, and I'm very thankful I gave in to this little indulgence purchase. The design is top-notch, the material is great, it's a distinctly novel experience, and it's priced competitively.

There is no manual, and one shouldn’t be needed. You can find the official care section for Xenocat Artifacts here: https://xenocat-artifacts.com/careinfo

Look for "Water-based" somewhere on the packaging or label. Water-based lubes should be easy to find and cheap. K-Y is water-based, as is the generic CVS brand lube.

Yes! Most silicone toys, especially ones of good quality, are non-porous and body-safe. They do not harbor bacteria as long as they are washed appropriately, and they are not toxic.

You can see all they toys that Xenocat has available on their site. It might be tricky if there's a specific toy you want, as they only make a specific number of toys at a time. They release a new selection for sale every Saturday, and they can be followed on twitter.

Yes! The base is flat and would easily fit into a compatible O-ring. Do note that the soft and flexible tip needs guidance for anal insertion though, so don't expect to be able to just hook it up and immediately penetrate.