Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard — Test & Review

The design should work for most tentacle-lovers. It looks alien or lovecraftian, and really pulls my monster-craving heart. Despite some of the minor flaws I mentioned above, it's still a small visual masterpiece. The toy is way more intricately detailed than it needed to be for the purely physical aspects of its function, but it goes a long way to get any monster-lover in the mood beforehand.

It's very simple and easy to use. The rough texture does add a little grip, as well as the base of the toy being a great size to hold in your hand. The only thing that might difficult is dealing with the ports feature if you don't have a lot of experience. It does require more force as the toy gets wider, so I highly recommend against this being someone's first toy. You should have an idea of how to use dildos without hurting yourself beforehand. As long as you already have an idea of what your body can take, there should be no issue.

For as long as I've used and loved this product, it shows no signs of degradation or wear. There is no odor, no discoloration, and no loss of integrity. It feels high-quality. Any way you bend or squish it, it springs right back into shape. From what I've experience from their manufacturer, Xenocat Artifacts, this is a brand I've come to trust.

If any readers are unfamiliar with niche fantasy toys, it's probably surprising to see a 75$ price tag on a dildo, but this kind of price point is standard, even cheap for the quality presented. For me, paying a higher price for toys that cater to my specific fetishes is easily worth it, but whether or not it will be for you depends on how important it is for you. I wish I could recommend that everyone who hears the call should violate their hole(s) with the highest quality monstrous appendages, but it is a luxury. Do note that 75$ is for their medium size. They do have a larger size for 85$, and a smaller size for 65$. Most of the time this toy is available, it's for the medium size, and this is the size I used for this review.

The performance is great. If you want the feeling of a tentacle, Vallguard delivers. The ports feature hyped up on the store's page work better than expected. It does claim you can use the groove to "carry lube". I assume you're meant to pour lube down the groove during use. I found it madly impractical to try to use it this way, but it might work a lot better for different body parts. I'm hesitant to pass judgement on this particular feature based on just my experience.

The packaging is fine. There's nothing too remarkable, either bad or good, about the packaging. When I ordered from Xenocat, they did also send me instructions for care, as well as two material samples stamped with their logo, which is appreciated. There wasn't any point in keeping the packaging itself, but everything arrived sealed.

Xenocat toys are made from body-safe, non-porous silicone. On their site, they recommend boiling, toy cleaner, or even using the dishwasher as cleaning methods. It's a little buried in the "toy cleaner" section but they do say you can use regular soap, and in my opinion, this is the easiest way to maintain silicone toys. Make sure you use liquid soap without any beads or added scents, lather it on to the toy, and rinse thoroughly under hot water until you can't feel any soap residue. I recommend doing this before and after use. As with any silicone toy, make sure to use water-based lube.